sent to frank@postsecretdotcom

Seeing the above secret made me burst into tears. I’ve always saved secrets (since I was 13) that felt like they were written just for me or that could’ve been written by me—to remind me that I’m not alone or completely crazy; and despite having made postcards in the past, I’ve never mailed them in (I’ve destroyed them or slipped them into the books in Barnes & Noble). But tonight I noticed that in the last year my secrets have changed. I used to save and make such sad and angry ones… but since becoming pregnant with my son those secrets no longer feel relatable… they feel more like a saved diary from a time capsule.

It’ll be a year since I found out I was pregnant tomorrow AND he will be 4 months old. Since I discovered he was coming: I stopped smoking, drinking, hurting myself, lying, not taking my medication, binging junk food, not sleeping for days at a time then sleeping nonstop, running away from conflict, yelling to be heard but not listening, holding grudges, and every other horrible habit/coping mechanism.

It’s the first time since puberty I have felt confident making plans for the future because I no longer assume I will kill myself before reaching it. Although I love my husband and family more than they will ever understand, I always thought it would be better for them (and selfishly myself) if I was gone.

But I can’t bear the thought of not seeing my son grow up and him having to grow up without a mother who loves him so much.
I also can’t bear the thought of him having the “fucked up” mom.
So I won’t be.
I will not let myself ruin this.
No matter what.
And that has made all the difference. I didn’t think I could do it until I just had to do it. And now? Now I’m so happy. Thank God.

I never want to put all this baggage on him so I don’t know if I will ever tell him but no matter what else happens in our lives: he’s saved me. And that’s the happiest secret I’ve ever written!

I saved another not too long ago and it sums it up all too well:

PostSecret’s $100 Give Away.

Dear Frank and PostSecret Community,

I was so happy to be part of PostSecret’s $100 Give Away. I used the money to buy Aveeno lotion and hand renewal gloves for all of the elementary school teachers at my daughter’s small school.

They have been working so hard and sanitizing everything and everyone all the time, so I thought I’d give them a hand! (Or at least help theirs to feel renewed).

My daughter helped me decorate the anonymous thank-you notes too. It’s never too early to get kids involved in encouraging others and appreciating those around us… Thank you!